How to Spot and Handle Confidence Killers in Your Professional Life

Moderating events, hosting conversations and conference, creating space for others to shine requires confidence, something that isn’t always easy to maintain but once you harness it comes from real self-assurance. Self-assurance allows you to show up fully, ask the right questions, hold a room with grace and navigate both the spotlight and the sidelines with ease. But even when we’ve built our careers around confidence and communication, that self-assurance can still be tested.

Throughout my life and business career, I’ve had a few moments that made me pause and reflect, moments where someone offered advice that didn’t quite sit right, suggestions that, on the surface, looked like help, but left me feeling smaller, not stronger. At first, I brushed it off because I thought that perhaps I was overthinking (one of the habits that I constantly have to unlearn) and it was just me. But the more I sat with it, the more I realised something deeper was going on.

These moments always came when I was doing something bold. Launching something new, taking a visible step forward, owning my voice more fully and suddenly, these “kind suggestions” would appear telling me to slow down, to wait, to be cautious. Those suggestions were framed as wisdom, but soaked in doubt.

They weren’t just words of wisdom and advice they were confidence killers.

In an era where the pressure to perform online and offline is high, especially for women, for Black women in particular and for anyone carving a visible path, these confidence killers are still very real. They often show up masked as mentorship, sometimes as concern or "friendly advice", usually unsolicited advice and their impact is the same, they cause you to second-guess yourself at the very moment you should be moving forward.

Don’t get me wrong, I value and appreciate feedback; real, constructive feedback is gold. It helps you grow, evolve and become better at what you do. But there’s a very clear difference between feedback and subtle sabotage. The difference lies in intention which requires discernment to unpack. Constructive feedback is meant to build while confidence killers poke holes in your belief system just enough to make you question your right to shine.

Here’s how to spot them:

They’ll tell you you’re not quite ready, that you should wait, improve, prepare more; never mind how much you’ve already done. Readiness, to them, is a moving goalpost.

They’ll constantly remind you of the need to be perfect and that any flaw or mistake is a reason to stop. As if perfection were a prerequisite for progress.

They’ll subtly slow your momentum. Their words are cloaked in concern: “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”, “Don’t move too fast,” or “Maybe this isn’t the right time.” But what they’re really saying is: “Your growth is making me uncomfortable.” They’ll smile while saying it which is what makes it tricky. It doesn’t always look or sound harmful but if you stay in tune with your intuition you’ll feel it. That slight dip in your mood, the nagging doubt and the sudden need to second-guess a decision you were just confident about.

Confidence killers can be peers, mentors, friends, even people you look up to. That’s what makes it difficult to identify. But the truth is, not everyone in your circle is rooting for your expansion. Some are invested in the version of you that makes them feel safe or superior.

So what do you do when you spot them?

First, you trust yourself and pay attention to how people make you feel after a conversation. Do you leave feeling uplifted and clear, or uncertain and small? Your body will often tell you the truth faster than your logic will.

Second, keep your vision front and centre. Confidence killers often succeed when we’re unclear about our goals. When you know where you’re headed, it’s easier to spot distractions in disguise.

And lastly, remember that being confident doesn’t mean being infallible. You’re allowed to make mistakes, grow out loud and take up space as you learn. Don’t let someone else’s discomfort convince you that your light is too bright.

As an event moderator and personal branding coach, I’ve seen how confidence can shift the energy of an entire room. I’ve also seen how quickly it can be undermined by a look, a comment, or a passive-aggressive suggestion. We all have to be vigilant, not only for ourselves but for each other. This doesn’t mean being hypersensitive either, we still need to have a human experience, we just need to be willing to be open to how our energy feeds off each other.

So I’ll leave you with this question: Who in your life builds your confidence, and who quietly chips away at it? And when faced with a confidence killer, how do you protect your light?